Of being anxious

It’s normal for a pre-operative patient to get anxious about the operation. As a nurse, we have to help our patients to calm the anxious patients. And as a nurse, I tried to calm myself the night before my scheduled operation. I was admitted in the hospital at 5 pm last Friday. I was with my parents and my boyfriend as I get ready. That night, my father left to stay with my two siblings who were alone at our house. I did not have a good sleep because I kept thinking about my operation, its advantages and disadvantages. I know I am a strong person but I can’t help but admit that I got scared of what I was about to go through.

Of being groggy

I woke up at around 5 am. Like what I’ve said, I haven’t had a good sleep. The nurses came in and said to prepare myself for the fleet enema. OMG. I know how uncomfortable an enema is! I’ve seen our patients holding the water and controlling the urge to poo. I can not believe that I also had to go through it. Thank God it’s only fleet enema. I’ll prolly suffer if it was cleansing enema! Haha. Oh gosh. Now I know what enema feels like! It’s like you have an LBM but you have to control the urge because you haven’t found a comfort room yet. I was asked to hold the solution for 5-10 minutes. Imagine that! Haha. My schedule was 10 am. It was supposed to be at 8 am but there were so many patients lined up in the operating room. Another nurse gave me a gown (not the gown you’re thinking) and asked me to prepare because she’ll be back to give me my pre-operative medications. She told me that I am not allowed to ambulate anymore if the pre-op meds are given. After I’ve taken my cold bath, I immediately wore the hospital gown and waited for the nurse. A few minutes after, the nurses came in together with the resident doctor for my IV insertion. Yes, it was painful but nothing beats the skin test which was done the night before by the way. Skin test is done to see if the patient is allergic to a certain drug before they would administer it. When the IV was inserted successfully, another nurse came with my pre-op meds. I checked the medication card and it says “Nubain and Phenergan”. Nubain is an analgesic and Phenergan is an anti-histamine which will cause me to get drowsy. After awhile, I was starting to feel groggy. I saw my mom went in and outside of the room crying. My dad couldn’t even look at me. I knew and I felt that they, too, were scared and anxious. At 10 am, the orderlies/ nurses (I was too dizzy to recognize them), went to the room to pick me up. I was so sleepy that I couldn’t recall what they told me. All I can remember is that they transferred me to another bed and took me to the delivery room. The last persons that I recognized before I totally fell asleep were my dad and my boyfriend. I still can see people though but their images were vague. One thing I am sure was that they were in OR (operating room) uniforms. The last thing that I could remember was the time that the nurses spread my arms in the OR table.

Of being in pain

I then woke up in a room that I am unfamiliar of. I saw a lady in a blue OR uniform standing right next to me. I asked her where I was. She answered but I, again, couldn’t recall what she said. I asked her if the operation was done. She said, “Oo. Naoperahan ka na.” I tried to touch my tummy and there I felt a big bandage on top of it. I tried to recall what happened to me but I couldn’t. She asked me to move my feet and to lift my lower leg. I could move my toes but not my legs. I knew that my brain was sending signals to the nerves of my lower leg to move but they were so deaf to follow. The anesthesia was still working. I was still groggy that time. I couldn’t remember everything that happened hours after the operation. All I could feel that time was the automatic BP apparatus beside me that inflates every fifteen minutes. After a while, I felt that I was being transferred back to my room. The first people, this time, that I saw and recognized were my mom and my boyfriend. I could remember how they looked at me as if they were trying to examine me from head to toe. I woke up from time to time. I also saw my sister and my father at the couch beside my bed. I could hear them talking about some famil-related issues. I saw my boyfriend sitting at the foot of my bed, just staring at me and waiting for me to be fully awakened. Then suddenly, I felt vomiting. I was so dizzy. I had to call my mom because of my urge to vomit. I was even perspiring that they all tried to ventilate me. I think I vomited for three times. Effect of anesthesia. I cried out loud because of the pain. It was soooo painful. I couldn’t bear it. I fell asleep while crying and when I woke up, my boyfriend bid goodbye. I cried again because I didn’t want him to leave. I wanted him to stay with me but I know he couldn’t because his mom asked him to go home and just go back the next day. He promised that he’ll go back while wiping my tears away. When I stopped crying, he left.

Of being helpless and dependent

The next day, I felt like being punished. The incision was so painful. It was really tormenting. I couldn’t control my tears from falling. It’s like I want more pain relievers to be injected but of course, that is impossible. I have to bear the pain and wait for the right time to take pain relievers. I then saw a catheter inserted in my urinary orifice. I felt uncomfortable. Thank God it was removed a few hours after the anesthesia’s effect subsided. Every time I have to move, I feel pain. I was actually allowed to ambulate but it was hard. I felt helpless. Really. I have to ask for my mom, dad or my boyfriend for assistance. I have to pee on a bed pan which was awkward. But what can I do? I was still on NPO (Nothing Per Orem) after the surgery. I can only take sips of water if and when I pass my flatus. Haha. Every time a nurse/doctor comes in, the first thing they would as is, “Nautot ka na ba?” Hehe. A midwife told me how precious a flatus is. And yes, I do agree! Haha. I was able to sit the evening of my first post-op day. I still feel the pain but I have to bear it. I should try to ambulate in order for me to pass my flatus. It was really touching when both my parents assisted me when I tried walking. It was like they’re teaching a kid to learn to walk. That night, I successfully passed my flatus. Yessss!

Of being depressed

If it’s normal for a pre-op patient to get anxious, then it is also normal for a post-op patient to get sad. I was depressed for two days because of my condition. I know that this surgery changed my plans in my life. It changed almost everything. I couldn’t stop crying while thinking of my condition. I had a lot of questions going in and out of my mind though I know that those questions won’t be answered in one snap. One step at a time. One step at a time, as they say. I was told about what my doctor had seen during the operation. I had two cysts in each of my ovaries. One of the cysts were also attached to my bladder. They tried to remove a part of it but not all because some are microscopic and it’s risky to remove it all because my bladder might be punctured. There’s no 100% assurance that the cysts won’t go back. It can recur in 6 months or in one year or in two years or so… It depends on the person’s case. I thought after the surgery, my sufferings are over. But I was wrong. I still have this worries that it might recur. The doctor even told me that it would be best if I get pregnant in two years because my illness’ complication is infertility. I think I have blogged about that before. I am not ready to be a mom in two years. I still have a lot of plans to fulfill and goals to reach. Aside from my condition, I also have a lot of problems. And that makes me more depressed. On the other hand, I thank my friends and my loved ones for the comfort and for boosting my self-esteem and morale. They know that I can
get through this.

Of being optimistic

I end this entry with optimism. I still feel that I am lucky and blessed despite everything I have gone through. I thank the Lord for the successful operation, and for the lessons I have learned in this experience. When a person gets wounded from a heartbreak, we always say that time can heal. Now that made me realize that I will also be healed and cured. My wound will be healed in 6 months to 1 year. After that, I can go back to my normal routines. I have to sacrifice and to be patient though. I can’t wait. I really can’t wait.

1. Nursecissism - The Online Journal of Xyla De Vera wrote:
   May 10th, 2008 at 12:23 am

   [...] through especially when I got really depressed about my career, and health. I have mentioned in my entry before that she cried when I was about to go to the O.R. for my operation. I was really touched [...]