I made my student cry and it did hurt my feelings.

One of the most painful experiences we would encounter in our lives is parting ways with someone we learned to love whether it is romantic or platonic love. When a patient is being discharged and that patient became really close to me, it’s hard for me to let go. I guess, that’s one of my weaknesses. I get attached with my patients. I treat them like my real friends or family.

Last week, I have planned not to extend my contract in the school where I am currently employed. This is because I might go back to the hospital in September and I want to concentrate on my MA. (My thesis proposal was rejected. =() My part-time work is sort of eating my time especially if there are paper works to be passed. Just to make it clear, I enjoy my work. I love teaching those Korean students… And yeah, I learned to love my students.

I thought that my students would only be studying until August so I thought we would both leave the school at the same time. I just learned this week that they would still be studying until September. So when I told So-Young that I might not be able to teach her on September, she got sad. Remember when she asked me if I would still be her teacher in November? The other day, she asked me if I told Su-Ji (her friend) about it. No, I haven’t told her about my plan. And to tell you the truth, I didn’t know how to tell Su-Ji.

Su-Ji is my favorite student, along with So-Young. Before, I hated those teachers who have favorite students. I questioned them why do they have to have favorite students. They should treat us fairly. Now, I know the answer. The answer may not be very explainable but you just feel it in your heart. I became very close with Su-Ji and So-Young but it was Su-Ji who was very clingy. Did you know that she wrote this on my board: “I want Teacher Xyla be my mom!” She treats me like her own mom or sister. Sometimes, she would call me, “my baby” and I would call her my “um ma”¹. She always hugs me whenever she sees me. She would always find a way to tickle me. Sometimes, I get irritated whenever she’s playful in our class but when she sees me that I am not in the mood, she would try to make me laugh by doing crazy things. She’s my cutest student and I learned to love her like my own sister or daughter.

Yesterday, So-Young slipped her tongue about my short stay in school. Su-Ji heard it and asked me what’s going on. So, I told her that I might not be able to stay until September. She was confused. So-Young had to speak in Korean to explain it to her. It sounded like, “Teacher Xyla is going back to the hospital. She’s a nurse, remember?” When the bell rang, So-Young left my room and Su-Ji was still confused. She kept asking, “Why?!” I said, I am a nurse. I have to go back to the hospital. Then she asked why again. I just said, “Koon-yang.”² She still asked why. I saw that she was getting teary-eyed. Then she suddenly get her dictionary. Actually, she doesn’t normally do that. Whenever I ask her to get her electronic dictionary, she doesn’t follow. But yesterday, I was surprised when she got her dictionary without me asking her to do it. I know that she wants to say something but she couldn’t express it in English. She typed something quietly and showed me the English translation. She said, “Titcha, you *shows the English translation* nurse. You my teacher. You teach me.” When I read it, it said:  graduate, finish, terminate, complete… What she meant is that I stop being a nurse and just teach her. I got teary-eyed but I tried to control it. I said, “I don’t know.” The next thing I know, her face was on my lap, crying really hard. =( I didn’t know what to do. All I knew was to comfort her. I tried to stop her but she didn’t want to stop. I had to threat her that the school owner is near my room so she got up. She’s scared of the school owner. Haha!  My heart sank when I saw her face. And then she said, “Promise teacher, you don’t go. You teach me. You don’t leave me.” Upon hearing those words, I wanted to cry right then and there. Never in my entire life begged me like that. She wanted us to do the pinky promise. But I had second thoughts to do the pinky promise. I know that it’s not right for me to promise because I might just break it. But she still cried. “You are bad teacher! You leave me!” I got scared that the other teachers or the administrators would hear her tantrums so I gave in. I “promised” not to leave her. And yeah, I am really a bad teacher for doing that promise. =( After that, she calmed down.

You know, this is so hard for me. I think I can stay until September. I will do this for my students if I have to but what if I am scheduled for September for my hospital-comeback? You know that I’ve always wanted to work in the hospital and I kept saying that it is there where I truly belong. I don’t know what to do now. Maybe, I’ll just ask God to postpone the hospital-comeback in October.

When the students were dismissed at 5:00, Su-Ji saw me near the school owner’s office and hugged me very tight. It’s like the tightest hug I have ever felt in my entire life. Imagine a lost kid seeing her mom again. That’s how I felt yesterday. Before she bid goodbye, she said, “Teacher… don’t go, okay?”

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1. mom in Korean [↩]
2. It means JUST (basta) or if you can’t find any explanation to your answer. [↩]