She was assisted by 3 people while others asked for help. Blood and amniotic fluid gushed from her private part. Her pair of shorts were actually wet from blood. Some people just watched the commotion  while others didn’t care at all. I knew I have to do something. But… it’s been years since I assisted in delivery. I was scared! I was afraid of doing harm! I was worried about my license getting revoked. I don’t even have scissors nor alcohol with me to sterilize my hands since I don’t bring gloves in ordinary days. I wanted to help. I watched the people if they are doing something to help. And so…

I immediately went down stairs to look for help. I looked for policemen because I always see policemen below that foot bridge. Then I saw a security guard and asked if there were any policemen around. “Kuya! May mga pulis ba dito? Kelangan ko ng tulong. May manganganak po sa overpass at kailangan po siyang dalhin kaagad sa hospital!” The security guard ignored me and just said, “tanungin mo na lang yung mga tambay dyan!” God, he doesn’t even care! I went to the nearest barangay hall but no one is around too! I tried my best to help. But… it didn’t work. :(  The last thing I know is that the woman was taken to the nearest hospital.

I entered the premises of FEU with guilt and worry. I was actually shaking as I entered the gate because of panic. I know I could have done something. I know I can’t handle delivery just like that, like on the spot. I am not expert in labor and delivery. I actually hated  my Maternal and Child Nursing subject. And now, I feel guilty for not doing anything. :( I feel that I am not good enough. Like what if I am in an emergency situation again?

I always thought that I am a competitive nurse. But this afternoon, I felt like I am a dumb nurse. :(

I hope the baby and his/her mom are okay. Please help me pray for them.

I woke up from a text message this morning. It was from Dr. Leah Paquiz, founding president of Ang Nars Inc. and former president of Philippine Nurse’s Association. She calls me by my other name which is a guy’s name. She told me that she will be at the PNA office at 1 pm and we can do the interview today. I was still sleepy but I had to prepare myself for the interview. This is the only time we are both available and I can’t let this pass. I texted my other co-writers about it and they both agreed to come with me since they also have their formulated questions for her.

Upon arriving at the PNA main office, I texted Ma’am Paquiz that we’re already at the lobby. The guard pointed a woman in red from the parking lot and there I saw Ma’am Paquiz smiling at us.

“You’re ____?” She asked.

“Yes, ma’am. ____ Xyla ma’am, ” I replied.

“I thought you are a guy! Babae ka pala!” She said. I actually expected those words. People always think I am a guy whenever they see/read my whole name. I never used it as my nickname. I’ve always liked my name, Xyla.

So anyway, the interview went well. There were moments that I just kept silent because everything I would ask her always lead to her main answer, NO TO VOLUNTEERING. I told her that I’ve been a volunteer nurse for a couple of times and she told me that it’s like I allow them to exploit me. I allow those hospitals to “rape” me. Dr. Paquiz fights for equal pay for equal work and service. She told us that this is nothing to do with her because at this point of her life, she’s already satisfied from what she has achieved. She was just doing this to help us, her colleagues.

Her words pushed us to make a change for our fellow nurses. She motivated us to be assertive because our nursing schools failed us to teach about assertiveness. I salute her for her advocacy. Not all nurses are like her. She’s really one of a kind. :)

I will never forget what she advised us: “Itaas mo ang propesyon mo. Huwag kayong magpaalila. Iba na ngayon. We are the modern Florence Nightingale.”

I was browsing my tumblr dashboard when I came across this photo. It is very alarming! I couldn’t believe my eyes that a little girl would do the FY sign to an old helpless woman. What do children learn from school now?

Just recently, I also heard some kids cursing at each other:

Kid 1: P—ng — mo!

Kid 2: P—ng — mo rin! G*go!!!

What is happening to the kids these days? I thought ang kabataan ang pag-asa ng bayan… What will these type of kids contribute to our society? And one thing more, what are their teachers and parents doing? What have they taught them?

I believe that the teachers and their parents are responsible for teaching kids the right values. Because you see, I used to curse a lot when I was a toddler! We used to live in the province and my mom had this wholesale business in the market. I spent my infancy to toddler hood in the market because my mom can not leave me alone in the house. We all know that the market is a busy, crowded and noisy place. We often hear people shouting and cussing. So what happened was that I imitated everything that I hear from the people in the market. My mom was very disturbed. She didn’t want me and my brother (my sister wasn’t born yet that time) to adopt the “market” values. So when my dad had an opportunity to work here in Manila, my mom agreed right away.  Mama left her own business to focus on teaching us the right values. Even if there were a lot of opportunities for her to grab to earn more money, she decided to be a full time mother and house wife. So yeah, I was reformed. LOL

I really hope that the parents would still have some time to teach their kids about the good manners and right conduct. I know that we have a different situation now and some people say that it is already a need for both parents to work to provide the basic needs of the family. But I don’t think that being busy at work is an exception in teaching their children the right thing to do. As other people say, the children’s actions reflects who their parents are. Well, we have this thing called social influence but I still believe that even if the children are influenced by their friends, they should still do something for their children not to follow the wrong path.

And as for the teachers, it is their job to teach what is right to their students. It’s also their role to coordinate with the parents about what’s happening inside and outside the classroom.

Sigh. I really hope that we can do something about this. If only all people are concerned about this issue.

I left home an hour and a half early to prepare for my demo. I was prepared but still, I felt anxious about it. When I reached school, the series of unfortunate event started. My brassiere was trying to show off that I decided to buy a safety pin to partially close my blouse. But the cloth of my blouse didn’t allow the safety pin to penetrate into it. So what I did, I stapled my blouse! I was so sweaty inside the comfort room. It was totally embarrassing to the students around me. Then, the blazer that I’ve been using for ages also didn’t cooperate with me! The zipper didn’t work as well. Argh! After letting go the thought of zipping my blazer, I tried to check the projector we borrowed. I found out that it was a different projector. We had to go back to the office to borrow the projector for laptops and not for acetates. When we were setting up the projector and my Su-Ji¹, we found out that Su-Ji was not compatible with our school’s projector. We went down to the office again to borrow their laptop. But still, it didn’t work. We went back to the office for the third time to borrow another projector…  We were wrong when we thought it would already work. So, we had to think of another plan. Good thing, my classmate suggested that we divide the class into two groups and provide one laptop for each group to watch the slides we prepared.

You know, when I started my demo I was sooooooooooooo nervous! I didn’t have the time to rest, to breathe in and breathe out, to relax… I had to start right away because we already took 30 minutes of the time just setting up the whole damn thing. I tried to relax in the middle of my demonstration and I thank my classmates for cooperating.

After my demo, which exceeded the allotted 30-45 minutes, our professor asked for their comments. I was surprised when they said that it was amazing that I was relaxed and I was well composed. Wow! Does that mean they didn’t notice how nervous I was? Then, I am a great pretender! Haha! Here are the other comments I received: “Her topic is well organized…” “She was able to carry herself well as a teacher and was able to motivate the students to apply what she was teaching…” “She was able to connect with the students using humor…” From those comments, our professor even told me that I owe them something for those positive comments because there were more positive comments than negative ones. Well, the negative comment was that I wasn’t able to explain some of the important points. Yeah, I was quite in a hurry then. Haha! But still, it was unbelievable that I received such positive comments. I thank my classmates for the constructive criticisms. I know that it would help me to improve my teaching skills.

Despite the series of unfortunate event that happened before my demo, I thank God for helping me to survive my teaching demo with a positive outcome. Our professor told me that she graded me SUPERIOR which is second to EXCELLENT. That’s a great news. :)

So there, one down and three to go: thesis, theory and abstract. Oh no! I wonder how I will be able to do this in 2 weeks!

1. my notebook

This afternoon, my student sang a song. It’s her current favorite song and I was so amused with the way she sang it. It’s cute! Imagine a Korean student who knows a little English and sings a song from The Beatles… Amazing!

Who knows how long I’ve loved you
You know I love you still
Will I wait a lonely lifetime
If you want me to, I will.

If I ever saw you
I didn’t catch your name
But it never really mattered
I will always feel the same.

Love you forever and forever
Love you with all my heart
Love you whenever we’re together
Love you when we’re apart.

And when at last I find you
Your song will fill the air
Sing it loud so I can hear you
Make it easy to be near you
For the things you do endear you to me
Oh, you know, I will
I will.

That’s what she sang. And now, I kept on playing that song because it stuck in my head the whole day. I feel like it’s a farewell song for me… And now… I am in tears, once again.

My old college classmate is enrolled in the same subjects that I am taking. We were both delighted to see each other again after all these years. And what made us more giddy is that we both experienced the same thing in the last three years: failures, rejections, and the like. It’s nice to have someone who underwent the same experience as you did. It’s like you found someone who could understand you because he or she had the same situation.

So, anyway, I attended my first day (or should I say night since it is a night class) in graduate school last Saturday. Our first subject was Statistics. That’s my only class for that day but I decided to enroll another subject when I learned from my classmates that they have another subject on Saturday apart from Statistics. Since I’m free on Saturdays, I enrolled in the Pedagogy class. So starting tomorrow, I’ll be attending two classes.

Yesterday, I attended another class, my Nursing Theory class. And I was like, “Oh no. Here we go again with the theories!” Our professor is old so we have to sit close to her because she speaks softly. When our class ended, she gave us topics that we will report next week. Grr. I hate reporting but I like the topic that was given to me. It’s about Human to Human Relationship Model. It’s about giving sympathy and empathy to our patients to be able to build a rapport with them. I think it’s easy because as you all know, that is what I usually blog about here – treating the patients right.

So this is really it. I am back to school. I am working as a part-time English teacher. I wonder if I can handle this all… I hope so!

I feel that my holy week this year isn’t as meaningful as the previous years but I thank God for all the blessings especially that I received a good news just recently. I was allowed to extend my contract as a volunteer for a month. The other volunteers weren’t allowed. I don’t know why. And another thing, I was asked to take the exam because my evaluation from the supervisors were remarkable. Woo! Sad part is that I can’t take the exam until I finish my extension.

My April 3 date with Icy and Mitchie went well too. That’s another entry to post but I am still lazy to fix the pictures. Just wait for it. Hihi.

Last Tuesday, I went to the mall to shop with my sister. I got a new gray sleeveless top. I love it. I can use it this summer with jeans or shorts. I can also wear it for an interview. It’s an all-around top! Hihi. Later that afternoon, we headed to the Ukay-Ukay store in a tiangge mall near us. I bought another sleeveless top and a blue-flowery skirt for only 300. I really, really love Ukay-Ukay aka thrift shopping! I can’t wait to go back next week! Hehe.

This post is a random update. I am excited to go back to the hospital next week. I hope they allow me to get the morning schedule again.

Have a blessed and meaningful holy week, everyone! Happy Easter in advance! :) xoxo

Anyways, being in nursecissism.com for a year is very memorable. For the first time, I won an award in a prestigious blog awards. I won the People’s Choice category for the 2008 Candy Teen Blog Awards. Aside from getting a recognition, I also met new blog friends. I get to improve my writing and designing skills. In nursecissism.com, people knew me as the nurse digiscrapper-slash-blogger. I appreciate the “fan” mails I receive and I am very much delighted that within 365 days, I rarely receive hate mails. Hihihi.

Thank you so much for all the readers whether you are a silent reader or not. Thank you for taking time to read my blog even if there are some grammering¹ errors. HAHAHA! I know that a journal is supposedly kept private but I am very much happy to share a part of my personal life and a part of my nursing life. Thank you for considering my entries inspirational. I am very flattered that I get to inspire you in my own nursecissistic way. Thank you.

Dear God, thank you for giving me the dedication and motivation and this “talent”.

Bru, thank you so much for all the help. Thank you.

Love, thank you for accepting the fact that I love my blog more than I love you. HAHAHA! I keed! =P

Thank you people. Thank you.

I’ll end this entry with a very simple tutorial.

How to spell my domain correctly?

Think of the word, NARCISSISM. Just change NAR into NURSE. And there you go, you can access my domain without having the glitch of spelling it right. Haha! XD NURSECISSISM.

1. grammatical, I meant

After a few hours, the mother came back. All the nurses and doctors questioned her about what she did. I didn’t expect that the doctors could be so harsh. There was  even this one doctor¹ who told her this, “Hindi ka karapat-dapat na maging ina! Hindi mo na makukuha sa amin ang anak mo!” (You don’t deserve to be a mom! You won’t get your baby from us anymore!) Whoa! I know that what the mother did was totally wrong² but for me, it isn’t just right to tell a mother that she wouldn’t be able to get her baby anymore. It’s not their possession, okay?

This incident isn’t unusual in public hospitals. I’ve heard that there were a lot of mothers who abandoned their newborn babies in the previous months and years. Why? Probably because of: a) lack of money, b) unwanted pregnancy and/or c) mental illness.  You see, if these mothers aren’t ready for having a new baby then don’t make a baby! Don’t commit unprotected sexual intercourse or just abstain from doing the deed! That’s really an easy thing to do but really hard to follow because of raging hormones.

Despite the abandonment, I also see it as a blessing for a couple who can’t have a baby. I asked one of the nurses what would happen to the abandoned babies. She said that the DSWD³ will keep the baby and give it to the respective orphanages or to couples who are willing to adopt a child and give him/her the bright future. We should thank God for these wonderful people.

Having a baby takes a lot of responsibility. It isn’t just about feeding and bathing him/her. It’s also about giving him/her the love, care and support that he/she deserves. It’s about guiding and directing him/her to right path so that in the future, he/she will become a good parent as well.

Oh, about the mother? Well, she got her baby. Our assistant nurse supervisor told her to go home since the mother always abscond from the hospital – which is another story I will tell soon.

Picture taking with the baby :) Look how elated I was! Haha

1. I don’t know if she’s a consultant or a resident doctor
2. she reasoned out that she didn’t have anyone to get her food or anything that she need so she just left the baby to the patient beside her, who apparently didn’t inform the staff nurses about it, and did all the tasks by herself.
3. Department of Social Welfare and Development

Rant #1

As a volunteer nurse, we are not allowed to handle patients. I know. That super sucks! I mean, for a person like me who has previous hospital trainings I have to adjust to the new set-up. In the second hospital where I was trained, I do all the work just like what the employed nurses do. Hands-on, in other words. In this hospital where I expected that I’ll gain more experience because it is a public hospital and it has more cases than private hospitals, we are only allowed to OBSERVE or to assist. All the volunteer nurses were so disappointed upon hearing the policies. Some of my co-volunteers thought that they would be able to practice what they’ve learned in school because most of them are first timers in volunteering or in a hospital training. I understand their disappointment because they thought that finally, they would be able to work not as a student nurse but like a real staff nurse. But sad to say, we are worse than the student nurses. At least, the student nurses can administer medications with the supervision of their clinical instructors unlike us wherein even with the supervision of the staff nurses is not allowed. Anyways, that’s their policy. We have to accept and follow it.

Rant #2

There was a time that we were asked to assist the staff nurses to bring the babies from the nursery room to their mothers in the OB ward. It’s called rooming-in. Because I was excited to carry a baby, I, together with my co-volunteers,  went to the nursery room with the staff nurses. And guess what we saw? Four babies in a crib!! I was so shocked! They looked like newborn animals! And what’s worse? There’s this staff nurse who placed the logbook¹ on top of the babies’ heads! I was so furious! Hello?! If I put a logbook on top of your baby’s head, what would you feel, missy? I wanted to tell that to her but, of course, I had to keep it all to myself because I am just a mere volunteer. :(

There are other things that I saw in that public hospital such as: two patients sharing in one bed, a patient who had to transfer herself from her own bed to a stretcher², shouting at the patients, etc.

It really disappoints me because what I witnessed was a total contradiction of their vision mission statement: to render proper nursing care to the patients regardless of their age, race, sex, religion and social and economic status. Yes, I unconsciously memorized their vision mission statement which was discussed during our orientation. There are times that I wish I never saw those things. But what can I do? I am just a mere volunteer nurse.

People say that it would be better if you get a nursing experience in a public hospital because that’s where all the cases are. Just like what some junior interns do, they apply for internship in public hospitals so that they can practice and apply the lessons. But I guess, the latter doesn’t really happen. They may be applying what is/was taught in school but not everything is done right.

If you want to be an effective nurse or doctor, you have to do what is right. No matter how busy you are or no matter how many patients you handle, always think that your patients are still humans like you. Remember when we were taught how to be empathic? Remember when we were taugh to put the patients as our number one priority?

I guess, some nurses and doctors forgot about it upon receiving their paychecks.

Now, I know what really happens in a public hospital.

Please, God. Have mercy on us! God save these people, please!

1. a big and thick  notebook for records
2. patients should be assisted by the nurses here. Hello? We even had a return demonstration of transferring patients!