So, Brian and I aim to take Doctor of Nursing in the future. Just a goal, just a plan. If I get lucky to achieve it, then that would be awesome.

Then Nina and I also plan to take Special Education. I like SPED. I like dealing with special people. So again, this is another plan.

Then there’s Master of Science in Nursing. I really want to take this one but I plan to do this abroad. Some schools offer this in our country but I just want to take this in another country. Let’s see if I can achieve this goal too.

She was assisted by 3 people while others asked for help. Blood and amniotic fluid gushed from her private part. Her pair of shorts were actually wet from blood. Some people just watched the commotion  while others didn’t care at all. I knew I have to do something. But… it’s been years since I assisted in delivery. I was scared! I was afraid of doing harm! I was worried about my license getting revoked. I don’t even have scissors nor alcohol with me to sterilize my hands since I don’t bring gloves in ordinary days. I wanted to help. I watched the people if they are doing something to help. And so…

I immediately went down stairs to look for help. I looked for policemen because I always see policemen below that foot bridge. Then I saw a security guard and asked if there were any policemen around. “Kuya! May mga pulis ba dito? Kelangan ko ng tulong. May manganganak po sa overpass at kailangan po siyang dalhin kaagad sa hospital!” The security guard ignored me and just said, “tanungin mo na lang yung mga tambay dyan!” God, he doesn’t even care! I went to the nearest barangay hall but no one is around too! I tried my best to help. But… it didn’t work. :(  The last thing I know is that the woman was taken to the nearest hospital.

I entered the premises of FEU with guilt and worry. I was actually shaking as I entered the gate because of panic. I know I could have done something. I know I can’t handle delivery just like that, like on the spot. I am not expert in labor and delivery. I actually hated  my Maternal and Child Nursing subject. And now, I feel guilty for not doing anything. :( I feel that I am not good enough. Like what if I am in an emergency situation again?

I always thought that I am a competitive nurse. But this afternoon, I felt like I am a dumb nurse. :(

I hope the baby and his/her mom are okay. Please help me pray for them.

I woke up from a text message this morning. It was from Dr. Leah Paquiz, founding president of Ang Nars Inc. and former president of Philippine Nurse’s Association. She calls me by my other name which is a guy’s name. She told me that she will be at the PNA office at 1 pm and we can do the interview today. I was still sleepy but I had to prepare myself for the interview. This is the only time we are both available and I can’t let this pass. I texted my other co-writers about it and they both agreed to come with me since they also have their formulated questions for her.

Upon arriving at the PNA main office, I texted Ma’am Paquiz that we’re already at the lobby. The guard pointed a woman in red from the parking lot and there I saw Ma’am Paquiz smiling at us.

“You’re ____?” She asked.

“Yes, ma’am. ____ Xyla ma’am, ” I replied.

“I thought you are a guy! Babae ka pala!” She said. I actually expected those words. People always think I am a guy whenever they see/read my whole name. I never used it as my nickname. I’ve always liked my name, Xyla.

So anyway, the interview went well. There were moments that I just kept silent because everything I would ask her always lead to her main answer, NO TO VOLUNTEERING. I told her that I’ve been a volunteer nurse for a couple of times and she told me that it’s like I allow them to exploit me. I allow those hospitals to “rape” me. Dr. Paquiz fights for equal pay for equal work and service. She told us that this is nothing to do with her because at this point of her life, she’s already satisfied from what she has achieved. She was just doing this to help us, her colleagues.

Her words pushed us to make a change for our fellow nurses. She motivated us to be assertive because our nursing schools failed us to teach about assertiveness. I salute her for her advocacy. Not all nurses are like her. She’s really one of a kind. :)

I will never forget what she advised us: “Itaas mo ang propesyon mo. Huwag kayong magpaalila. Iba na ngayon. We are the modern Florence Nightingale.”

After the endorsement, we, the trainees, together with the volunteers, waited for our patient assignment. But unexpectedly, the head nurse asked us to report about our patients yesterday. We were all surprised about the sudden “oral exam”. We were already warned before that the head nurse would occasionally ask us about our patients but we didn’t see it coming.

Anyway, I was able to answer his questions except for one. Why was D5NSS (5% Dextrose in normal saline solution) shifted to PNSS (plain normal saline solution)? Okay, I didn’t know about that. I think I’ve heard about it during the endorsement but I couldn’t remember it right at that moment. The answer was because the patient is already on soft diet. I honestly do not know the indications of the intravenous fluids that is why I am going to read about it later.

So after all of us have recited, he finally assigned us to our patients but in the middle of writing down our names to each patient on a piece of paper, he asked me a question that I never expected. I don’t even know why he asked me that. I don’t know if it’s a good thing or a bad thing. He only asked me and the other volunteer.

“Gusto mo ba dito sa ICU?” (Do you want to work here in the ICU?) The head nurse asked.

Of course, I answered YES! As in YES WITH MULTIPLE EXCLAMATION POINT! Haha.

I was thinking that maybe the staff nurses felt that I am hating the routine care but my co-trainees told me that maybe because they liked my performance. “Hindi ka naman tatanungin ng ganun kung tatamad tamad ka eh. Parang inoofferan ka nga e,” my co-trainees told me. (He wouldn’t ask you such question if you’re showing them that you’re too lazy to work. It’s like they’re offering you a slot.)

I told my mom about it and she said the same thing. I hope they’ll hire me in the ICU despite what I’ve ranted in my previous entry.

Just because I am not allowed to carry heavy things nor turn patients every 2 hours, doesn’t mean I am not qualified as an ICU nurse. I know that part of the routine care is turning the patient but I don’t think I cannot do the other nursing interventions.

In case you do not know yet, I’ve always wanted to work in an intensive care unit or a coronary care unit. I want challenges. I want practicing my critical thinking skills. If you think that my capacity is only in the wards, I respect that. But I just want you to know that I am the type of nurse who likes to be busy/toxic than to be bored. Yes, I hate the routine care but I believe that working in the ICU exposes me to different situations that I should learn for future use.

I really hope that my limitations because of my health wouldn’t affect my performance evaluation. Please don’t be too biased.

Love,

your trainee

It’s been two weeks since our first day in the ICU. I had to adjust for a bit because ICU’s policy is far different from the ward. They are more strict when it comes to handling patients. I feel like a newbie despite my previous clinical experience.

This morning, my patient went almost on a hypovolemic shock. I didn’t know what to do. All I did was refer, refer and refer. I felt that all the things I’ve learned in school were all gone. All I knew is that the patient was on a hypoxic state because her oxygen saturation reached 40%. Normally, it should be 95 percent and up. Thank God there were staff nurses to guide me.

I remember what our professor in Clinical Teaching asked us, “Are you competent enough to handle 4th year nursing students in an ICU setting?” I told our professor that I think I am competent enough to handle 4th year nursing students in the ward, but not in an ICU setting. I guess I answered it right. After my 8 hour duty today, I feel that I am still not competent to work alone as a staff nurse in the ICU, what more to handle students and to teach them what to do in a special area. I still need to learn. I still need to be trained if I want to be hired and to work in a special area like in the ICU. And yes, I am very much eager to learn new things because I admit that I am still in dire need of improvement.

To tell you honestly, I am not enjoying my training in this private hospital. Maybe because I am tired of being just a trainee. For the past three years, I’ve been in and out of the hospital as a trainee and sometimes I feel embarrassed and/or humiliated whenever they ask me why I wasn’t hired. For the past three years, I never knew anyone from the hospital. I don’t have a “connection” with someone in the hospital. This time, I was very lucky to find one. But then, I am not the type of person who doesn’t care about doing the job effectively just because I got in easily (as a trainee). Even though I don’t like to work in the hospital for now as a trainee, I still continue to attend the training and try to make an impression because I don’t want the “backer” to think that I don’t deserve the position. And most of all, I am handling human beings and I don’t want to jeopardize their lives just because I am incompetent.

I am really disappointed with some of my seniors because  I thought that since this is a private hospital, I’ll be able to see/witness that the nursing procedures will be performed ideally than in the public hospital. Unfortunately, they do it wrong. They don’t perform some of the procedures in an ideal way because one of their reasons is that they don’t have much time. But when I try to observe them, they have a lot of time to chitchat with each other. How can that happen?

One time, a staff nurse asked me how do I take the pulse rate of the patient. I said that I do it in full minute when I have a lot of time. She told me that, “No, you can just do it in 15 seconds and multiply it by 4.” Then I reasoned out, “I do that ma’am if I don’t feel or hear any skipping beats but if there’s a deviation from normal, I do it in full minute.” She didn’t reply after that.

One thing that discourages me from continuing is that they sometimes teach me the wrong thing and I have nothing to do but to follow them. I feel sad for the patients. I can’t accept the fact that they think they are competent and they have the guts to teach me what to do with this and that when they don’t really know what they are talking about.

Sigh. I really wish this training will end as soon as possible. I can’t wait for April to end. And I can’t wait for June to start because we will be having our Clinical Residency as our practicum in our MA. :) I feel excited more about it than my training.

Problem is… how can I handle this while I am attending my MA classes?  The schedule they gave me is from 3 pm to 11 pm. Since my MA classes are in conflict with my training schedule, they allowed me to have Sunday duties. I will be the only trainee on that day since regular training days are from Monday to Sunday. I have no training during Fridays and Saturdays to attend my classes in FEU. Thursdays would be very tiring because I have a class at 9 am to 12 noon then duty from 3 pm to 11 pm. No rest day. I will be working 7 days a week. =S

I know that the people concerned about my health is mad about my plans. My parents can’t even decide for me… I don’t know. I will try this new set-up and let’s see how I can handle this. Wish me luck.

Today was my first day at school this year. We only had reporting and I am wondering why in the world I am so drained after the class. I still have headache but I decided to blog because I want to let this out… This sadness and this confusion.

So while I was talking to my boyfriend over the phone while resting (I told him that I won’t go online tonight because of my headache but here I am, blogging. He’d surely understand.), my mom butt in in our conversation and told me that the hospital where I was supposed to undergo training this month called. The start of our training is next week. Orientation on Wednesday.

My mom asked me if I think I could handle the training because this is a once in a lifetime opportunity. You know how hard it is to apply in a hospital. This is actually a pre-employment training and this is different from the previous trainings I have undergone for some reasons. She told me, “Kung kaya mo naman na, sayang naman kung ipopostpone mo ito. Para sana makapagtrabaho ka na…”

Everybody knows how much I want to work in the hospital. Everybody knows how dedicated I am in this field even though I feel like it’s pushing me away because of these circumstances I am dealing with. I really, really want to undergo the training BUT it’s been only a month when I underwent operation. I got traumatized with what have happened and I am scared of jeopardizing my health again.

I am crying while typing this because I really do not know what to do. I want to work… but I need to rest. I need to prioritize my health. I don’t want another operation. I want to be healthy this year. I have neglected my doctor’s health advice before and I don’t want to do that again. I regret for being a stubborn “patient”.

But… what about my dreams? What about my goals? I am turning 25 this year and look, I haven’t achieved anything yet. I am still depending on my parents. I haven’t bought anything for myself that I can be proud of. I haven’t contributed anything to our monthly bills. I envy those people who have attained something at an early age. I want to be like that too. I really do.

Sigh. I can’t decide. :( What to do?

Hemoperitoneum (sometimes also hematoperitoneum) is the presence of blood in the peritoneal cavity. The blood accumulates in the space between the inner lining of the abdominal wall and the internal abdominal organs. Hemoperitoneum is generally classified as a surgical emergency; in most cases, urgent laparotomy is needed to identify and control the source of the bleeding. In selected cases, careful observation may be permissible. The abdominal cavity is highly distensible and may easily hold greater than five liters of blood, or more than the entire circulating blood volume for an average-sized individual. Therefore, large-scale or rapid blood loss into the abdomen will reliably induce hemorrhagic shock and may, untreated, rapidly lead to death.

Source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hemoperitoneum

Just reading the definition of hemoperitoneum makes me teary-eyed. I can’t believe that until now, I am still in disbelief that this happened to me. On the other hand, I am grateful that I survived such near death experience like what I have blogged before.

Hmm, I don’t want to make my first post of the year a sad entry so let’s be optimistic here. :) I just shared what I have read from my medical certificate which I got this morning.

On the lighter note, I am currently getting addicted to a new show, Hawthorne. It’s about the nurse’s lives and how they deal with grumpy doctors and patients. It’s good that they made a series for nurses.

Anyway, I’ve also heard that ABS-CBN made a series for nurses. I was actually expecting that it would be out last year. It stars Judy Ann Santos. I’ll probably watch it too and see how Filipinos make/do series like those of in the USA.

And oh, since this is my first post of the year I’ll be posting my resolutions that I wrote in my 2010 planner. :)

1. lesser internet time – this is really hard for me since I am an online addict.
2. be healthier – this has been my resolution every year. Haha!
3. write more meaningful entries – as always
4. learn something new – still can’t think of anything right now
5. cook more – I’d love to learn how to bake this year :)
6. gain weight – because I ended the year weighing 95 lbs.
7. pamper myself more – because I’m always stressed and I often forget to get some beauty rest and pampering.

So there you go. :) Let’s see how this year would turn out for me. I hope it’s a good one. Happy New Year! (Yes, it’s late.)