It’s so hard to deal with your life after losing a gift. It is so hard to accept that the gift you treasured the most will be taken away from your hands, from your life. There are times that I cry really hard as if I already lost hope but there are also times that I just smile and say I can do this. These mood swings are probably caused my oral contraceptive pills. Sigh.

But you know, to be honest, I still pray for a miracle. I believe in miracles, okay? I know God wants me to be stronger than what I am now. I know that God will give me back that gift. Probably God also wants to tell me that I have a beautiful life to live and that I shouldn’t put it to waste by sulking in a corner. Yeah, I can do this. I really can. But please if you see me crying or whining or whatever, blame it on the OCPs.

Before 2 pm, I went back to the clinic and waited for the sonologist. She arrived 10 minutes after the clock struck two. Because I was able to reserve at a very early time, I was the first patient she attended. She asked me why do I need to undergo breast ultrasound. I told her that two years ago, I discovered a lump on my breast and my OB wants it to be monitored. This is the only time I’ve done my follow-up breast ultrasound since my first because I’ve been a negligent patient for the past year. She asked me about the location of the lump and I told her it’s above my nipple area of my left breast.

She checked my right breast first. It is normal. She didn’t find anything unusual. To my surprise, when she checked my left breast, she found a lump maybe an inch beside my nipple. It is ANOTHER lump. How should I know? I’ve been negligent. I don’t even do monthly breast self examination despite my doctor’s advice. The lump measures 10 x 9 x 7 mm. After that, she checked the lump I told her about. It is still there. It measures about 20 mm. And it has grown bigger.

At first, it didn’t sink in but when she told me that maybe my OB will advise me to undergo biopsy or mammography I felt sad. Why does it always have to be me? I thought I’m okay. My ovaries are already fine according to my ultrasound yesterday. Why do I always have to suffer? I have done nothing wrong to people. I don’t cheat, lie or steal from people. I don’t curse anyone. Yeah. I criticize people but I am just telling the truth, okay? Again, why me? Why does it ALWAYS have to be me?

I know this is nothing serious. It’s not malignant but what if my OB asks me to undergo operation again? This lumps are quite bothering for an adult woman like me. I remember what the sonologist told me, “Single ka pa ba? Kase syempre di maganda na may scar sa breasts.” See? I mean, I know I am a nurse and I know about the interventions for the nursing diagnosis Disturbed Body Image… but it’s different when you’re the patient. I know I’m beautiful in my own way… But I’m just tired of getting scars all over my body. It’s like from head to toe, I have scars. It’s like I am a scarred person with a scarred heart. I’m just tired, okay? I’m tired of blogging about this. I’m tired of crying every single night about my health.

Who would faithfully love a scarred person like me? (But really, it’s not only the scar…) Who would promise to take care of me forever when my parents are gone? Who would understand that I am sick every now and then? I do all the good things but why do I always get the bad things in life?

Today was my first day at school this year. We only had reporting and I am wondering why in the world I am so drained after the class. I still have headache but I decided to blog because I want to let this out… This sadness and this confusion.

So while I was talking to my boyfriend over the phone while resting (I told him that I won’t go online tonight because of my headache but here I am, blogging. He’d surely understand.), my mom butt in in our conversation and told me that the hospital where I was supposed to undergo training this month called. The start of our training is next week. Orientation on Wednesday.

My mom asked me if I think I could handle the training because this is a once in a lifetime opportunity. You know how hard it is to apply in a hospital. This is actually a pre-employment training and this is different from the previous trainings I have undergone for some reasons. She told me, “Kung kaya mo naman na, sayang naman kung ipopostpone mo ito. Para sana makapagtrabaho ka na…”

Everybody knows how much I want to work in the hospital. Everybody knows how dedicated I am in this field even though I feel like it’s pushing me away because of these circumstances I am dealing with. I really, really want to undergo the training BUT it’s been only a month when I underwent operation. I got traumatized with what have happened and I am scared of jeopardizing my health again.

I am crying while typing this because I really do not know what to do. I want to work… but I need to rest. I need to prioritize my health. I don’t want another operation. I want to be healthy this year. I have neglected my doctor’s health advice before and I don’t want to do that again. I regret for being a stubborn “patient”.

But… what about my dreams? What about my goals? I am turning 25 this year and look, I haven’t achieved anything yet. I am still depending on my parents. I haven’t bought anything for myself that I can be proud of. I haven’t contributed anything to our monthly bills. I envy those people who have attained something at an early age. I want to be like that too. I really do.

Sigh. I can’t decide. :( What to do?

Hemoperitoneum (sometimes also hematoperitoneum) is the presence of blood in the peritoneal cavity. The blood accumulates in the space between the inner lining of the abdominal wall and the internal abdominal organs. Hemoperitoneum is generally classified as a surgical emergency; in most cases, urgent laparotomy is needed to identify and control the source of the bleeding. In selected cases, careful observation may be permissible. The abdominal cavity is highly distensible and may easily hold greater than five liters of blood, or more than the entire circulating blood volume for an average-sized individual. Therefore, large-scale or rapid blood loss into the abdomen will reliably induce hemorrhagic shock and may, untreated, rapidly lead to death.

Source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hemoperitoneum

Just reading the definition of hemoperitoneum makes me teary-eyed. I can’t believe that until now, I am still in disbelief that this happened to me. On the other hand, I am grateful that I survived such near death experience like what I have blogged before.

Hmm, I don’t want to make my first post of the year a sad entry so let’s be optimistic here. :) I just shared what I have read from my medical certificate which I got this morning.

On the lighter note, I am currently getting addicted to a new show, Hawthorne. It’s about the nurse’s lives and how they deal with grumpy doctors and patients. It’s good that they made a series for nurses.

Anyway, I’ve also heard that ABS-CBN made a series for nurses. I was actually expecting that it would be out last year. It stars Judy Ann Santos. I’ll probably watch it too and see how Filipinos make/do series like those of in the USA.

And oh, since this is my first post of the year I’ll be posting my resolutions that I wrote in my 2010 planner. :)

1. lesser internet time – this is really hard for me since I am an online addict.
2. be healthier – this has been my resolution every year. Haha!
3. write more meaningful entries – as always
4. learn something new – still can’t think of anything right now
5. cook more – I’d love to learn how to bake this year :)
6. gain weight – because I ended the year weighing 95 lbs.
7. pamper myself more – because I’m always stressed and I often forget to get some beauty rest and pampering.

So there you go. :) Let’s see how this year would turn out for me. I hope it’s a good one. Happy New Year! (Yes, it’s late.)

I may not have gotten a job yet in the hospital but at least, I was given a chance to be a volunteer nurse in a public hospital, which is a first time for me because I always “work” as a trainee in a private hospital. (February – May 2009)

By the time our contract as a volunteer nurse ended, I was able to get a job as a teacher for Korean students. It didn’t last as well because I decided to quit to focus more on my master’s class. Being a teacher to Koreans was helluva fun. I was able to see their culture and mingle with them and at the same time, I was able to share my Filipino traits with my Korean kids. I wonder how they are now. I miss those kids. (June – August 2009)

One thing I liked about this year is that I was able to go back to school. I met new friends, gained a lot of knowledge and learned more about my chosen field. I also get to learn more about being a good teacher. My favorite subject in my first semester as a master’s degree candidate is our Instructional Supervision. Our professor truly touched my life as a person and as a teacher. I also learned how to work on my own now. Back in college, we were always given group tasks. Now, you have to work on your own  although I know how to work as an individual but this time I don’t have subordinates (because I used to be a leader) whom I can ask for help. And oh, I am really happy that I got good grades. (June – October 2009)

I think one of the achievements I’ve gained this year is being one of the finalists in the Philippine Blog Awards 2009. I may not have grabbed a single award even though I was a finalist in four different categories but at least I was included in this contest as a finalist because not all bloggers are given an opportunity like this. I’m thinking about joining again next year. (October 2009)

Second semester is much more challenging because this is the start of our major subjects but I guess I can handle this because this is where I am more interested in. There are so many tasks to do and until now, I am trying to accomplish them all. I am enjoying it anyway so no complaints about this one. :) (November 2009 – December 2009)

In life, there would always be changes. And these changes would also help us to be strong. My December 2009 is the toughest month of all. I encountered personal problems that I thought I couldn’t handle. I was able to get through those 18 days of sadness and longing. God is really good because He answered my prayer. I guess, God really gave my boyfriend to me because I told him that if he’s not for me, then he wouldn’t come back. But he did. This year is a tough year for both of us but I am glad we’re ending this year TOGETHER.

I thought everything would end normally but something happened to me that’s really unexpected. But because of this shocking event in my life, it made me stronger. It helped me to become a fighter. I thank God for giving me this kind of strength. And I also thank God that because of this emergency surgery, I felt how much I am loved and supported by the people around me, even those people I really do not know.

So many things happened this year. It is, indeed, my productive year but also a very, very challenging one that I was able to surpass.

My cellphone’s alarm woke me up at 3:30 am because I was going to attend Simbang Gabi. Although God has already answered my prayer, I still wanted to complete the Christmas novena because it’s part of tradition and most importantly, it’s part of my faith. So after making my coffee, I went upstairs to check my online accounts if there were any anniversary messages from friends and from my boyfriend. After logging out, I felt a sudden pain on the lower right quadrant of my abdomen but I was able to tolerate it so I just ignored. I thought it was just caused by the cold weather. While I was looking for something to wear in my closet, I felt the pain again. This time, it was a sharp shooting pain. I immediately went back to my bed. I prayed and told God that I wanted to complete the novena mass. To no avail  the pain didn’t subside. It got really worse. I had no choice but turn off the lights to take a rest but still the pain was really intense. I was crying so loud. I couldn’t take it anymore. So I got out of my room, knocked my parents’ door and told them what was happening. My parents tried to calm me but it didn’t help. I was shouting in the middle of 4 am-ish. “Pa, dalhin niyo na ako sa hospital. Please!” My parents prepared right away. My father had to carry me because I couldn’t walk anymore. While waiting for them, I talked to God and said, “Lord, please. Wag naman po appendicitis ito. Please, Lord…” Suddenly, my vision became blurry. It was getting darker and darker.  I knew I was going to lose consciousness but I fought that aura.

Fast forward to the emergency room.

Regular emergency procedures were performed. It wasn’t appendicitis because I didn’t have other symptoms of appendicitis. It was, again, related to my endometriosis. The resident doctors called my Ob-Gyne to inform her what happened. After a couple of hours, she came and was surprised to see me again in that room because we were expecting to see each other in her clinic and not in an emergency room this month. She asked me to undergo an ultrasound just to check my ovaries and my uterus. She told me, “I hope this is nothing serious.”

Fast forward to the Ultrasound Room.

The pain lessened. Thank God but I felt a sudden pain on my shoulders. I thought it was just because of how I was positioned during my ultrasound (pelvic area is elevated to be able to have a clearer view of the insides of the reproductive system). I couldn’t understand what they were trying to talk about while checking my ovaries but I heard there were cysts, blood clots, series CBC and this term called, “hemorrhagic corpus luteum.” I got really scared upon hearing the word hemorrhagic because it means there’s a bleeding. My doctor decided to admit me to the hospital then. My doctor asked the other doctor who did the ultrasound to have another review of my ovaries. So I was sent to the delivery room first for observation if there’s any progression of pain before another ultrasound.

When I was sent to the delivery room, I was asked to change my clothes into an operating/delivery room gown. I asked the nurse why I was there in the delivery room and what was going on. I was really inquisitive because I wanted to know what was happening. The pain on my abdomen lessened but the pain on my shoulders was still there that I decided to report it to the the residents on duty.

An IV line was inserted to my vein (Ohmy, it was so painful.) so that they could administer the medicines directly to my blood. Antibiotics here and there, interview every now and then, geez… I was getting impatient. I wanted to go out from that room and just take a rest at home since the pain was already subsiding.

After a few hours, I was sent back to the ultrasound room. When the doctor’s assistant positioned me, my shoulders became verryyyy painful that I have to remove the pillow that she put below my pelvic area. I told her that I couldn’t breath. She told me to relax first and we’ll do  it again. But my shoulder pain was getting worse and worse. The resident who was with me asked me what was I feeling because she noticed that I keep moving my shoulders. When the doctor came in, they positioned me again and I started to cry out loud. It was so painful. I was shouting because of pain. It was really embarrassing to the other patients inside that room but what can I do, I couldn’t tolerate it. The doctor did an abdominal ultrasound instead but it didn’t give a clear view although the hemorrhagic corpus luteum was mentioned again. She advised the resident to call my doctor immediately and that she should decide on what to do with me right then and there. I was crying when they sent me back to the delivery room. I just sat on my bed and cried. Then I heard that my second CBC result came out. I heard there were changes in my hemoglobin but I couldn’t understand because I was so scared. Then suddenly someone shouted, “Prepare for OR!” Omg. I didn’t know if I was the patient they referring to.  I was just quiet, crying and praying.

After thirty minutes, my doctor came in and talked to me. She told me the bad news.  My ovarian cysts ruptured and the reason why I have shoulder pain is because I have an internal bleeding that needs to be attended immediately. The blood from my cysts already scattered and there were already blood clots in my abdomen. My hemoglobin was decreasing and if they didn’t perform surgery right away, I could have lost a lot of blood. I cried to my doctor and told her that I will be undergoing my hospital training next month and that I have a lot of things to do for school. She calmed me and explained that my health is more important. That this is really serious. I asked her if my parents already knew about it but she told me that she haven’t talked to them yet.

After 30 minutes of my preparation for the surgery and before I was sent to the operating room, I was able to talk to my mom. I saw her crying. She told me to fight and to pray. Because I am a crybaby, I couldn’t help but cry. I tried not to look at my mom because I know how worried she was. It was like a dramatic scene in a telenovela. “Kayo na bahala sa anak ko ha,” my mom told the nurses and the doctors while crying.

At the operating room, when I was transferred to the OR table, I kept on moving. My shoulders were really painful. The reason why it was painful because of positioning because of the scattered bleeding. I forgot the technical term but that’s how  I understood it. The anesthesiologist asked my name but he kept on saying SONIA. The last thing I remember is telling him that Xyla is my name and not Sonia.

At the recovery room

I woke up with painful abdomen. I tried to touch it and once again, I felt that thick bandage. Just so you know, this is not my first operation. This is my second surgery regarding my ovarian cysts. The nurse, who was apparently my classmate back in college, asked me how I was feeling. I was so groggy that time and all I can remember is that they gave me 3 shots of pain reliever. And oh, I tried to move my legs and toes but it didn’t because the anesthesia’s effect had not subsided then. My entry about my first operation is just quite the same. It’s just that this time, I also underwent blood transfusion.

After ____ hours, I was transferred to my room.  I saw my mom outside the room and I was surprised to see my boyfriend. Finally, I felt safe with my loved ones. Because seriously, when I was in the delivery room, I felt alone because relatives or companions weren’t allowed to enter that room. Even though nurses and doctors were there, I still wanted my parents to be with me in such situation.

I wouldn’t be narrating everything that happened after my operation. What I want to write now is how I felt about the whole thing. Seriously, I am still in disbelief that this happened again. Yes, I was told before that endometrial cysts are recurrent. They may go back anytime. I knew that I did nothing wrong and I asked God what have I done to undergo such circumstances. Yes, I really questioned God. I felt that it’s wrong to question Him but I really don’t know why this have to happen. Undergoing an operation is really traumatic. I had a hard time dealing with it the first time, why do I have to suffer again. But then again I know God has better plans for me. I know that He knows what is best for me. Maybe he thinks I am really that strong and He knows that I could handle this well. It just makes me sad that I wouldn’t be able to join the next batch of trainees this January. My doctor told me to postpone my hospital training because I need at least one and a half month of rest and healing.

Yes, we spent our Christmas eve at the hospital. And although we weren’t able to eat noche buena at home, I still feel happy. I remember I told my boyfriend last Monday that I really wish he could spend his Christmas eve with my family. And yes, it did happen. My siblings, grandmother, parents, boyfriend and our helpers were there yesterday. We ate noche buena at an earlier time at my hospital room just to be able to celebrate Christmas together. Although I was really envious of the foods they were eating (I only ate arroz caldo), I still felt happy that my family is complete, and that my boyfriend is with me and my family. I was able to see the brighter side of things after all.

I am not sure if I can call this my second life because I encountered near-death experiences before but I thank God for giving me another chance to live. My doctor told me that I lost a lot of blood that they had to transfuse blood. If my parents weren’t able to rush me to the hospital immediately, there’s no Xyla anymore. I wouldn’t be writing this anymore. I really couldn’t believe that I almost died. I was so happy with my boyfriend on our 2nd anniversary before that happened. I am really curious what message does God want to relay… But like what I said, the things I should do now are to accept and to trust God’s plans.

2009 is a year that’s full of challenges. I will end this year with a fresh wound but I know… I will start 2010 with a healing wound, literally and figuratively speaking.

My ultrasound result last September 2008 revealed that my left ovary has this certain mass  which could be a cyst or just a corpus luteum².  And then, my right ovary reveals to be polycystic. That’s why my Ob-Gyne told me to repeat the procedure after three months.

Now, the result is: my right ovary is normal but the left is a polycystic ovary. I got worried upon seeing the result but I waited to talk to my Ob-Gyne first before getting depressed. Although last night, I got sad when I thought about my health again.

So this afternoon, I went to the clinic for a consultation. My OB said that there’s nothing to worry because it’s just mild. Usually, those patients who have polycystic ovary syndrome have weight gain, irregular or missed periods, unwanted hair growth and acne. Yes, I get to have acnes from time to time but fortunately, I don’t have the other three symptoms.

As a treatment, my OB prescribed contraceptive pills. Hopefully, after six months of taking the contraceptive pills, I’ll get a better ultrasound result.

I asked my OB if my fertility in the future would be affected. She answered yes but she gave me an assurance that we would be able to work it out. I’ll just have to tell her if I am ready to have a baby.

At least, there’s no reason to lose hope.

Thank you, Lord, for listening to my prayers.

1. I don’t even know why I was busy by then
2. because my menstrual period was about to start in a few days

I ended my post-op entry with optimism… Today, as I “celebrate” my scarniverssary, I blog this with hope.

Why? Because my OB-Gyne told me in my last follow-up consultation that a cyst is starting to recur again in my ovaries. That was found in my latest ultrasound result last September 2008. I was asked to repeat my ultrasound but since then I haven’t done that yet.

And now, I am guilty.

I am filled with guilt for neglecting my health. I wonder if the cyst grew. I hope not.

Now, I promise to go back to the clinic this month.