It’s so hard to deal with your life after losing a gift. It is so hard to accept that the gift you treasured the most will be taken away from your hands, from your life. There are times that I cry really hard as if I already lost hope but there are also times that I just smile and say I can do this. These mood swings are probably caused my oral contraceptive pills. Sigh.

But you know, to be honest, I still pray for a miracle. I believe in miracles, okay? I know God wants me to be stronger than what I am now. I know that God will give me back that gift. Probably God also wants to tell me that I have a beautiful life to live and that I shouldn’t put it to waste by sulking in a corner. Yeah, I can do this. I really can. But please if you see me crying or whining or whatever, blame it on the OCPs.

The church was full of people. I remember the priest once said, “Next Sunday, I want new faces inside this church. I want all of you to invite at least one person every Sunday.” I guess, people followed.

I sat in the middle because I think that’s the most quiet area of the church. I easily get irritated with people who do not respect the mass and the people who are there to solemnly pray.

So anyway, in front of me was a familiar face. I knew I met this old lady somewhere but I had a hard time recalling when and where I met her. I thought maybe she was a patient of mine. She was wearing an all black attire. I assumed that the two people she was with was her daughter and her grand son.

During the communion, I finally saw the whole face of the old lady and right then and there, I remembered where I met her. She’s a church “seat mate”. I always sit right next to her and her husband. And now, I think her husband’s gone.

Now I know why she’s wearing an all black attire and maybe that’s the reason why she wore a gloomy face. Believe it or not, I got teary-eyed. I felt sad because I spent 1 hour every Sunday for almost a year with these old couple but now, I felt the incompleteness in her.

I like seeing old couples who still do things together because there are other couples who have grown apart as time passed by. I don’t want the latter to happen to me and my future husband. I want to be like those old couples who inspired me and made me believe that the Grow Old With You song is true. But what scares me the most is losing your other half that you promised to love for the rest of your life. But that’s life, people come and go.

Little things matter :) from Ian Traqueña on Vimeo.

This is a very nice video and I hope you’d learn from it and get to appreciate life more. I posted this on almost all of my online accounts. This is a video made by my sister’s classmates for their ad campaign.

I may not have gotten a job yet in the hospital but at least, I was given a chance to be a volunteer nurse in a public hospital, which is a first time for me because I always “work” as a trainee in a private hospital. (February – May 2009)

By the time our contract as a volunteer nurse ended, I was able to get a job as a teacher for Korean students. It didn’t last as well because I decided to quit to focus more on my master’s class. Being a teacher to Koreans was helluva fun. I was able to see their culture and mingle with them and at the same time, I was able to share my Filipino traits with my Korean kids. I wonder how they are now. I miss those kids. (June – August 2009)

One thing I liked about this year is that I was able to go back to school. I met new friends, gained a lot of knowledge and learned more about my chosen field. I also get to learn more about being a good teacher. My favorite subject in my first semester as a master’s degree candidate is our Instructional Supervision. Our professor truly touched my life as a person and as a teacher. I also learned how to work on my own now. Back in college, we were always given group tasks. Now, you have to work on your own  although I know how to work as an individual but this time I don’t have subordinates (because I used to be a leader) whom I can ask for help. And oh, I am really happy that I got good grades. (June – October 2009)

I think one of the achievements I’ve gained this year is being one of the finalists in the Philippine Blog Awards 2009. I may not have grabbed a single award even though I was a finalist in four different categories but at least I was included in this contest as a finalist because not all bloggers are given an opportunity like this. I’m thinking about joining again next year. (October 2009)

Second semester is much more challenging because this is the start of our major subjects but I guess I can handle this because this is where I am more interested in. There are so many tasks to do and until now, I am trying to accomplish them all. I am enjoying it anyway so no complaints about this one. :) (November 2009 – December 2009)

In life, there would always be changes. And these changes would also help us to be strong. My December 2009 is the toughest month of all. I encountered personal problems that I thought I couldn’t handle. I was able to get through those 18 days of sadness and longing. God is really good because He answered my prayer. I guess, God really gave my boyfriend to me because I told him that if he’s not for me, then he wouldn’t come back. But he did. This year is a tough year for both of us but I am glad we’re ending this year TOGETHER.

I thought everything would end normally but something happened to me that’s really unexpected. But because of this shocking event in my life, it made me stronger. It helped me to become a fighter. I thank God for giving me this kind of strength. And I also thank God that because of this emergency surgery, I felt how much I am loved and supported by the people around me, even those people I really do not know.

So many things happened this year. It is, indeed, my productive year but also a very, very challenging one that I was able to surpass.

My cellphone’s alarm woke me up at 3:30 am because I was going to attend Simbang Gabi. Although God has already answered my prayer, I still wanted to complete the Christmas novena because it’s part of tradition and most importantly, it’s part of my faith. So after making my coffee, I went upstairs to check my online accounts if there were any anniversary messages from friends and from my boyfriend. After logging out, I felt a sudden pain on the lower right quadrant of my abdomen but I was able to tolerate it so I just ignored. I thought it was just caused by the cold weather. While I was looking for something to wear in my closet, I felt the pain again. This time, it was a sharp shooting pain. I immediately went back to my bed. I prayed and told God that I wanted to complete the novena mass. To no avail  the pain didn’t subside. It got really worse. I had no choice but turn off the lights to take a rest but still the pain was really intense. I was crying so loud. I couldn’t take it anymore. So I got out of my room, knocked my parents’ door and told them what was happening. My parents tried to calm me but it didn’t help. I was shouting in the middle of 4 am-ish. “Pa, dalhin niyo na ako sa hospital. Please!” My parents prepared right away. My father had to carry me because I couldn’t walk anymore. While waiting for them, I talked to God and said, “Lord, please. Wag naman po appendicitis ito. Please, Lord…” Suddenly, my vision became blurry. It was getting darker and darker.  I knew I was going to lose consciousness but I fought that aura.

Fast forward to the emergency room.

Regular emergency procedures were performed. It wasn’t appendicitis because I didn’t have other symptoms of appendicitis. It was, again, related to my endometriosis. The resident doctors called my Ob-Gyne to inform her what happened. After a couple of hours, she came and was surprised to see me again in that room because we were expecting to see each other in her clinic and not in an emergency room this month. She asked me to undergo an ultrasound just to check my ovaries and my uterus. She told me, “I hope this is nothing serious.”

Fast forward to the Ultrasound Room.

The pain lessened. Thank God but I felt a sudden pain on my shoulders. I thought it was just because of how I was positioned during my ultrasound (pelvic area is elevated to be able to have a clearer view of the insides of the reproductive system). I couldn’t understand what they were trying to talk about while checking my ovaries but I heard there were cysts, blood clots, series CBC and this term called, “hemorrhagic corpus luteum.” I got really scared upon hearing the word hemorrhagic because it means there’s a bleeding. My doctor decided to admit me to the hospital then. My doctor asked the other doctor who did the ultrasound to have another review of my ovaries. So I was sent to the delivery room first for observation if there’s any progression of pain before another ultrasound.

When I was sent to the delivery room, I was asked to change my clothes into an operating/delivery room gown. I asked the nurse why I was there in the delivery room and what was going on. I was really inquisitive because I wanted to know what was happening. The pain on my abdomen lessened but the pain on my shoulders was still there that I decided to report it to the the residents on duty.

An IV line was inserted to my vein (Ohmy, it was so painful.) so that they could administer the medicines directly to my blood. Antibiotics here and there, interview every now and then, geez… I was getting impatient. I wanted to go out from that room and just take a rest at home since the pain was already subsiding.

After a few hours, I was sent back to the ultrasound room. When the doctor’s assistant positioned me, my shoulders became verryyyy painful that I have to remove the pillow that she put below my pelvic area. I told her that I couldn’t breath. She told me to relax first and we’ll do  it again. But my shoulder pain was getting worse and worse. The resident who was with me asked me what was I feeling because she noticed that I keep moving my shoulders. When the doctor came in, they positioned me again and I started to cry out loud. It was so painful. I was shouting because of pain. It was really embarrassing to the other patients inside that room but what can I do, I couldn’t tolerate it. The doctor did an abdominal ultrasound instead but it didn’t give a clear view although the hemorrhagic corpus luteum was mentioned again. She advised the resident to call my doctor immediately and that she should decide on what to do with me right then and there. I was crying when they sent me back to the delivery room. I just sat on my bed and cried. Then I heard that my second CBC result came out. I heard there were changes in my hemoglobin but I couldn’t understand because I was so scared. Then suddenly someone shouted, “Prepare for OR!” Omg. I didn’t know if I was the patient they referring to.  I was just quiet, crying and praying.

After thirty minutes, my doctor came in and talked to me. She told me the bad news.  My ovarian cysts ruptured and the reason why I have shoulder pain is because I have an internal bleeding that needs to be attended immediately. The blood from my cysts already scattered and there were already blood clots in my abdomen. My hemoglobin was decreasing and if they didn’t perform surgery right away, I could have lost a lot of blood. I cried to my doctor and told her that I will be undergoing my hospital training next month and that I have a lot of things to do for school. She calmed me and explained that my health is more important. That this is really serious. I asked her if my parents already knew about it but she told me that she haven’t talked to them yet.

After 30 minutes of my preparation for the surgery and before I was sent to the operating room, I was able to talk to my mom. I saw her crying. She told me to fight and to pray. Because I am a crybaby, I couldn’t help but cry. I tried not to look at my mom because I know how worried she was. It was like a dramatic scene in a telenovela. “Kayo na bahala sa anak ko ha,” my mom told the nurses and the doctors while crying.

At the operating room, when I was transferred to the OR table, I kept on moving. My shoulders were really painful. The reason why it was painful because of positioning because of the scattered bleeding. I forgot the technical term but that’s how  I understood it. The anesthesiologist asked my name but he kept on saying SONIA. The last thing I remember is telling him that Xyla is my name and not Sonia.

At the recovery room

I woke up with painful abdomen. I tried to touch it and once again, I felt that thick bandage. Just so you know, this is not my first operation. This is my second surgery regarding my ovarian cysts. The nurse, who was apparently my classmate back in college, asked me how I was feeling. I was so groggy that time and all I can remember is that they gave me 3 shots of pain reliever. And oh, I tried to move my legs and toes but it didn’t because the anesthesia’s effect had not subsided then. My entry about my first operation is just quite the same. It’s just that this time, I also underwent blood transfusion.

After ____ hours, I was transferred to my room.  I saw my mom outside the room and I was surprised to see my boyfriend. Finally, I felt safe with my loved ones. Because seriously, when I was in the delivery room, I felt alone because relatives or companions weren’t allowed to enter that room. Even though nurses and doctors were there, I still wanted my parents to be with me in such situation.

I wouldn’t be narrating everything that happened after my operation. What I want to write now is how I felt about the whole thing. Seriously, I am still in disbelief that this happened again. Yes, I was told before that endometrial cysts are recurrent. They may go back anytime. I knew that I did nothing wrong and I asked God what have I done to undergo such circumstances. Yes, I really questioned God. I felt that it’s wrong to question Him but I really don’t know why this have to happen. Undergoing an operation is really traumatic. I had a hard time dealing with it the first time, why do I have to suffer again. But then again I know God has better plans for me. I know that He knows what is best for me. Maybe he thinks I am really that strong and He knows that I could handle this well. It just makes me sad that I wouldn’t be able to join the next batch of trainees this January. My doctor told me to postpone my hospital training because I need at least one and a half month of rest and healing.

Yes, we spent our Christmas eve at the hospital. And although we weren’t able to eat noche buena at home, I still feel happy. I remember I told my boyfriend last Monday that I really wish he could spend his Christmas eve with my family. And yes, it did happen. My siblings, grandmother, parents, boyfriend and our helpers were there yesterday. We ate noche buena at an earlier time at my hospital room just to be able to celebrate Christmas together. Although I was really envious of the foods they were eating (I only ate arroz caldo), I still felt happy that my family is complete, and that my boyfriend is with me and my family. I was able to see the brighter side of things after all.

I am not sure if I can call this my second life because I encountered near-death experiences before but I thank God for giving me another chance to live. My doctor told me that I lost a lot of blood that they had to transfuse blood. If my parents weren’t able to rush me to the hospital immediately, there’s no Xyla anymore. I wouldn’t be writing this anymore. I really couldn’t believe that I almost died. I was so happy with my boyfriend on our 2nd anniversary before that happened. I am really curious what message does God want to relay… But like what I said, the things I should do now are to accept and to trust God’s plans.

2009 is a year that’s full of challenges. I will end this year with a fresh wound but I know… I will start 2010 with a healing wound, literally and figuratively speaking.

I feel fulfilled this Christmas season because our family was able to join this project. My parents bought not only a bag, but a sack of rice this morning. That’s a total of 50 kilos. When my dad asked who wants to go with him to the church, I immediately volunteered because I want to do it myself to talk to whoever in the parish church. I was really hoping that I would be able to talk to a priest but since it is a Sunday, only a personnel in the office was there.

I went home really happy with what I and my family have done for this day, for this Christmas season. I hope others would participate as well. This happiness of helping others is an ultimate feeling that can never be exchanged by any priced material. Christmas season has always been about giving and not receiving. I hope that we don’t only do this during this season but also for the whole year, if ever we are given a chance to do something for others.

How about you? What good deed have you done for this Christmas?

1. This was probably influenced by the CNN Hero of the Year, Efren Penaflorida

I watched something in this certain film/TV show (I forgot what it is) that if you want to write a novel or a story, you have to observe the people around you and wonder what’s going on in their lives just to be able to conceptualize a character or a story. I actually followed that advice from that film/TV show… I wasn’t able to write though but I became really observant with the people around me.

What’s my point here? Sometimes, we complain about our own lives that lead other people from committing suicide. We think that God doesn’t love us and we are just being punished… But have you ever thought that those people around you have more difficult problems to solve? Have you ever thought that you are actually luckier and more blessed but you just overlooked at that fact because you focused so much on the negative side? Have you ever thought that you might be missing all the fun in your life because you’re dwelling too much on pessimism?

Ask yourself. It’s you who can only answer.

There are 3 reasons why I am still happy:
1. It was my first time to attend an awards night. I felt left out though because most of the bloggers know each other but it’s okay. I met some accommodating ones. :)
2. Andy Smith of Qtube, who is so damn hot, put his arms over my shoulder when we had our picture taken. Haha! I was so giddy! He’s really nice and friendly. Yiee. Thanks, Andy. You’re now included in my list of  celebrity crushes. Haha!
3. TJ was there to support me. Even though he’s tired from his work (Yay for being hired!), he managed to travel from Makati to Quezon City to be there for me, to lift my spirits up, to hold my hands while I was nervous about the announcement of the winners and to make me happy in that unforgettable night. I thought he couldn’t make it but he did. Thank you so much, love. Like what I said in my Tumblr entry, I may not have won in the competition but I still got my trophy and it’s him. Well, the trophy idea came from Gervic, his bestfriend. Haha!

For me, not winning in this competition does NOT make me a loser. When I failed the NCLEX, I thought that I didn’t only fail the test but also the people who expected so much from me. I learned a lot from that experience. So now, even though I didn’t grab a single award, I know that I never failed anyone who expected me to win in this event. Being a finalist is already an achievement. There are so many Filipino bloggers around the world and my blog was  chosen to be one of the finalists – and that makes me oh-so lucky. As other people say, “better luck next time”. This isn’t my time yet. Maybe next year or maybe 2 years from now… We really do not know. What matters is that I have my family, TJ, friends and other supporters who believe in me. And that makes me a winner in their hearts. :)

P.S.

My blog was mispronounced twice. They pronounced it as nurse-cism. Let me clear that out… It’s like NARCISSISM. Just replace NAR with NURSE. :)

Honestly, I am anxious, flattered and excited at the same time. Of course, anxiety is always present in a competition. I feel anxious because I feel that I have this small chance of winning. My opponents are big timers and blog experts while I am  just a mere unemployed nurse who happen to have an interest in blogging, webdesigns, HTML and whatnot. You see, I really, really want to win in this blog awards because like what I said in my September 14 entry this is like a big thing for me as a small-time blogger. I didn’t join this contest to be popular. The fact that I am seeing people in my web tracker google-ing  my name really scares the hell out of me. I actually hesitated in plugging my blog in Facebook because I really do not like my offline friends reading my blog. Unfortunately, I had to plug it because I want to win. I don’t want to be hypocrite here. Who doesn’t want to win in a competition like this?

Why do I feel flattered? When I asked for support in the National Blogger’s Choice category, that’s the time I discovered how I was able to leave a mark in my readers’ hearts. I read touching entries  that made me teary-eyed. I can not believe this kind of support from them. I thought they were just doing this because I asked them to. I feel that just by reading their entries makes me a winner… maybe not in this competition but in my readers’ hearts. Naks! I am so overwhelmed. I don’t know how to thank them! I feel that saying thank you is not enough.

Of course, I feel excited because I am going to meet bloggers and attend an awards night for the first time. Win or lose, this is a great experience.  The mere fact that I was included as a finalist in those 4 categories is an achievement.

Win or lose, I would still continue what I am doing because this is what my heart and mind tell me to do. This is what I love doing. This is where I feel such fulfillment. This is where I get to express myself. And this is how I get to achieve my goal, to be able to inspire others in my own simple way.

Now, what should I wear on Friday? Hmmm…

The reason why I am blogging about this is because I want to share what I learned or realized during our house renovation. I feel so grateful that our family is lucky and blessed. Whenever I see our workers sweaty and all that, I pity them. They have to work realllllyyyyy hard even if the sun’s burning their skin on a hot humid day just to earn money for their families. Sometimes, we see the construction workers as maniacs or disrespectful jerks whenever we pass by a construction site and hear them say, “Hi miss!” Yeah, it’s irritating. I know. But at least, they don’t kill or steal. Their job is described in Tagalog as “malinis at marangal na trabaho“. You know when I heard their stories, I felt guilty with all my whines. A construction worker even told my mom that we are very lucky because our parents were able to send us to good reputable schools. There were so many guilt-causing stories that I’ve heard and it made me appreciate their hard work. It made me appreciate my life more.

It’s really true that sometimes those unexpected people, those we call strangers, are the ones who would teach us great lessons in life.

Thank you kuya’s and manong’s for making our house beautiful. :)