Now, my blog plans are:

• pay this domain first! (Sorry, bru! I forgot!)
• then buy a domain (I need domain name suggestions!)
• maintain nursecissism.com because I want to and turn this into a blog where nursing stuff, news, job openings, and the like are posted
• leave the personal tumblelog and turn it to a random thingo

There. What do you think? Are my blog plans better than what I currently have?

1. I added PROBABLY because I might change my plans again! I’m a girl, okay?! LOL!
2. as my personal nursing blog

It’s so hard to deal with your life after losing a gift. It is so hard to accept that the gift you treasured the most will be taken away from your hands, from your life. There are times that I cry really hard as if I already lost hope but there are also times that I just smile and say I can do this. These mood swings are probably caused my oral contraceptive pills. Sigh.

But you know, to be honest, I still pray for a miracle. I believe in miracles, okay? I know God wants me to be stronger than what I am now. I know that God will give me back that gift. Probably God also wants to tell me that I have a beautiful life to live and that I shouldn’t put it to waste by sulking in a corner. Yeah, I can do this. I really can. But please if you see me crying or whining or whatever, blame it on the OCPs.

So, Brian and I aim to take Doctor of Nursing in the future. Just a goal, just a plan. If I get lucky to achieve it, then that would be awesome.

Then Nina and I also plan to take Special Education. I like SPED. I like dealing with special people. So again, this is another plan.

Then there’s Master of Science in Nursing. I really want to take this one but I plan to do this abroad. Some schools offer this in our country but I just want to take this in another country. Let’s see if I can achieve this goal too.

She was assisted by 3 people while others asked for help. Blood and amniotic fluid gushed from her private part. Her pair of shorts were actually wet from blood. Some people just watched the commotion  while others didn’t care at all. I knew I have to do something. But… it’s been years since I assisted in delivery. I was scared! I was afraid of doing harm! I was worried about my license getting revoked. I don’t even have scissors nor alcohol with me to sterilize my hands since I don’t bring gloves in ordinary days. I wanted to help. I watched the people if they are doing something to help. And so…

I immediately went down stairs to look for help. I looked for policemen because I always see policemen below that foot bridge. Then I saw a security guard and asked if there were any policemen around. “Kuya! May mga pulis ba dito? Kelangan ko ng tulong. May manganganak po sa overpass at kailangan po siyang dalhin kaagad sa hospital!” The security guard ignored me and just said, “tanungin mo na lang yung mga tambay dyan!” God, he doesn’t even care! I went to the nearest barangay hall but no one is around too! I tried my best to help. But… it didn’t work. :(  The last thing I know is that the woman was taken to the nearest hospital.

I entered the premises of FEU with guilt and worry. I was actually shaking as I entered the gate because of panic. I know I could have done something. I know I can’t handle delivery just like that, like on the spot. I am not expert in labor and delivery. I actually hated  my Maternal and Child Nursing subject. And now, I feel guilty for not doing anything. :( I feel that I am not good enough. Like what if I am in an emergency situation again?

I always thought that I am a competitive nurse. But this afternoon, I felt like I am a dumb nurse. :(

I hope the baby and his/her mom are okay. Please help me pray for them.

Before 2 pm, I went back to the clinic and waited for the sonologist. She arrived 10 minutes after the clock struck two. Because I was able to reserve at a very early time, I was the first patient she attended. She asked me why do I need to undergo breast ultrasound. I told her that two years ago, I discovered a lump on my breast and my OB wants it to be monitored. This is the only time I’ve done my follow-up breast ultrasound since my first because I’ve been a negligent patient for the past year. She asked me about the location of the lump and I told her it’s above my nipple area of my left breast.

She checked my right breast first. It is normal. She didn’t find anything unusual. To my surprise, when she checked my left breast, she found a lump maybe an inch beside my nipple. It is ANOTHER lump. How should I know? I’ve been negligent. I don’t even do monthly breast self examination despite my doctor’s advice. The lump measures 10 x 9 x 7 mm. After that, she checked the lump I told her about. It is still there. It measures about 20 mm. And it has grown bigger.

At first, it didn’t sink in but when she told me that maybe my OB will advise me to undergo biopsy or mammography I felt sad. Why does it always have to be me? I thought I’m okay. My ovaries are already fine according to my ultrasound yesterday. Why do I always have to suffer? I have done nothing wrong to people. I don’t cheat, lie or steal from people. I don’t curse anyone. Yeah. I criticize people but I am just telling the truth, okay? Again, why me? Why does it ALWAYS have to be me?

I know this is nothing serious. It’s not malignant but what if my OB asks me to undergo operation again? This lumps are quite bothering for an adult woman like me. I remember what the sonologist told me, “Single ka pa ba? Kase syempre di maganda na may scar sa breasts.” See? I mean, I know I am a nurse and I know about the interventions for the nursing diagnosis Disturbed Body Image… but it’s different when you’re the patient. I know I’m beautiful in my own way… But I’m just tired of getting scars all over my body. It’s like from head to toe, I have scars. It’s like I am a scarred person with a scarred heart. I’m just tired, okay? I’m tired of blogging about this. I’m tired of crying every single night about my health.

Who would faithfully love a scarred person like me? (But really, it’s not only the scar…) Who would promise to take care of me forever when my parents are gone? Who would understand that I am sick every now and then? I do all the good things but why do I always get the bad things in life?

I am deeply flattered by this because after all these years, you still believe in me and in my blog. BUT…

I already won two years ago (People’s Choice category). Last year, I didn’t join because I didn’t want to and no one nominated me (Haha! No, I am not sad about it. I’m just stating a fact, okay?). Now, as much as I want to give respect to the person who nominated me, I don’t think I can do this anymore. No, I take it back. I can do it but I want to give others the chance to win. At first, I placed the digital sticker on my sidebar… but I had second thoughts about it. So yeah, I removed it an hour after. I know that there are other teen bloggers who deserve to win. I am not a teen anymore, guys and girls. But still, I thank you for the nomination. I really, really appreciate it.

Good luck, teen bloggers!

When I was in high school and in college, I saw myself as a successful lady at the age of 25. I saw myself travelling and filling my closet with branded clothes and shoes. What happened? Why am I still here? Why am I still the old Xyla who dreams of becoming successful? Nothing changed. Nothing really changed.

In 5 years, I’m going to be 30 years old. And no, I won’t let myself stay this way in 5 years. I have to do something. I really have to. Well actually, I know I am doing something. Maybe it’s not really my time yet. But… when is really my time? I’m getting impatient!

On the lighter note, as part of growing up (LOL! Why did I just say this now?), I think I am already done with my digital scrapbooked layout phase. I suddenly fancy minimalistic themes for blogs. I have suddenly outgrown some kiddie stuff I fancy. Maybe I am really getting older. And… I just realized… maybe the pressure of getting older is normally part of the young adulthood stage.

Uhh. This entry is non-sense. I just wanted to say I have a new layout after a year.

I woke up from a text message this morning. It was from Dr. Leah Paquiz, founding president of Ang Nars Inc. and former president of Philippine Nurse’s Association. She calls me by my other name which is a guy’s name. She told me that she will be at the PNA office at 1 pm and we can do the interview today. I was still sleepy but I had to prepare myself for the interview. This is the only time we are both available and I can’t let this pass. I texted my other co-writers about it and they both agreed to come with me since they also have their formulated questions for her.

Upon arriving at the PNA main office, I texted Ma’am Paquiz that we’re already at the lobby. The guard pointed a woman in red from the parking lot and there I saw Ma’am Paquiz smiling at us.

“You’re ____?” She asked.

“Yes, ma’am. ____ Xyla ma’am, ” I replied.

“I thought you are a guy! Babae ka pala!” She said. I actually expected those words. People always think I am a guy whenever they see/read my whole name. I never used it as my nickname. I’ve always liked my name, Xyla.

So anyway, the interview went well. There were moments that I just kept silent because everything I would ask her always lead to her main answer, NO TO VOLUNTEERING. I told her that I’ve been a volunteer nurse for a couple of times and she told me that it’s like I allow them to exploit me. I allow those hospitals to “rape” me. Dr. Paquiz fights for equal pay for equal work and service. She told us that this is nothing to do with her because at this point of her life, she’s already satisfied from what she has achieved. She was just doing this to help us, her colleagues.

Her words pushed us to make a change for our fellow nurses. She motivated us to be assertive because our nursing schools failed us to teach about assertiveness. I salute her for her advocacy. Not all nurses are like her. She’s really one of a kind. :)

I will never forget what she advised us: “Itaas mo ang propesyon mo. Huwag kayong magpaalila. Iba na ngayon. We are the modern Florence Nightingale.”

The church was full of people. I remember the priest once said, “Next Sunday, I want new faces inside this church. I want all of you to invite at least one person every Sunday.” I guess, people followed.

I sat in the middle because I think that’s the most quiet area of the church. I easily get irritated with people who do not respect the mass and the people who are there to solemnly pray.

So anyway, in front of me was a familiar face. I knew I met this old lady somewhere but I had a hard time recalling when and where I met her. I thought maybe she was a patient of mine. She was wearing an all black attire. I assumed that the two people she was with was her daughter and her grand son.

During the communion, I finally saw the whole face of the old lady and right then and there, I remembered where I met her. She’s a church “seat mate”. I always sit right next to her and her husband. And now, I think her husband’s gone.

Now I know why she’s wearing an all black attire and maybe that’s the reason why she wore a gloomy face. Believe it or not, I got teary-eyed. I felt sad because I spent 1 hour every Sunday for almost a year with these old couple but now, I felt the incompleteness in her.

I like seeing old couples who still do things together because there are other couples who have grown apart as time passed by. I don’t want the latter to happen to me and my future husband. I want to be like those old couples who inspired me and made me believe that the Grow Old With You song is true. But what scares me the most is losing your other half that you promised to love for the rest of your life. But that’s life, people come and go.