My 2009

Last year (2008), I told myself that I will do everything to be successful this year. It didn’t happen though but I am still happy how  I was able to spend the whole year. I call my 2009 a PRODUCTIVE YEAR.

I may not have gotten a job yet in the hospital but at least, I was given a chance to be a volunteer nurse in a public hospital, which is a first time for me because I always “work” as a trainee in a private hospital. (February – May 2009)

By the time our contract as a volunteer nurse ended, I was able to get a job as a teacher for Korean students. It didn’t last as well because I decided to quit to focus more on my master’s class. Being a teacher to Koreans was helluva fun. I was able to see their culture and mingle with them and at the same time, I was able to share my Filipino traits with my Korean kids. I wonder how they are now. I miss those kids. (June – August 2009)

One thing I liked about this year is that I was able to go back to school. I met new friends, gained a lot of knowledge and learned more about my chosen field. I also get to learn more about being a good teacher. My favorite subject in my first semester as a master’s degree candidate is our Instructional Supervision. Our professor truly touched my life as a person and as a teacher. I also learned how to work on my own now. Back in college, we were always given group tasks. Now, you have to work on your own  although I know how to work as an individual but this time I don’t have subordinates (because I used to be a leader) whom I can ask for help. And oh, I am really happy that I got good grades. (June – October 2009)

I think one of the achievements I’ve gained this year is being one of the finalists in the Philippine Blog Awards 2009. I may not have grabbed a single award even though I was a finalist in four different categories but at least I was included in this contest as a finalist because not all bloggers are given an opportunity like this. I’m thinking about joining again next year. (October 2009)

Second semester is much more challenging because this is the start of our major subjects but I guess I can handle this because this is where I am more interested in. There are so many tasks to do and until now, I am trying to accomplish them all. I am enjoying it anyway so no complaints about this one. :) (November 2009 – December 2009)

In life, there would always be changes. And these changes would also help us to be strong. My December 2009 is the toughest month of all. I encountered personal problems that I thought I couldn’t handle. I was able to get through those 18 days of sadness and longing. God is really good because He answered my prayer. I guess, God really gave my boyfriend to me because I told him that if he’s not for me, then he wouldn’t come back. But he did. This year is a tough year for both of us but I am glad we’re ending this year TOGETHER.

I thought everything would end normally but something happened to me that’s really unexpected. But because of this shocking event in my life, it made me stronger. It helped me to become a fighter. I thank God for giving me this kind of strength. And I also thank God that because of this emergency surgery, I felt how much I am loved and supported by the people around me, even those people I really do not know.

So many things happened this year. It is, indeed, my productive year but also a very, very challenging one that I was able to surpass.

Of sutures and healing wounds

Who would have thought that after a simple celebration of our 2nd anniversary, an unexpected twist in my life would happen? And who would have thought that I spent my Christmas eve in the hospital?

My cellphone’s alarm woke me up at 3:30 am because I was going to attend Simbang Gabi. Although God has already answered my prayer, I still wanted to complete the Christmas novena because it’s part of tradition and most importantly, it’s part of my faith. So after making my coffee, I went upstairs to check my online accounts if there were any anniversary messages from friends and from my boyfriend. After logging out, I felt a sudden pain on the lower right quadrant of my abdomen but I was able to tolerate it so I just ignored. I thought it was just caused by the cold weather. While I was looking for something to wear in my closet, I felt the pain again. This time, it was a sharp shooting pain. I immediately went back to my bed. I prayed and told God that I wanted to complete the novena mass. To no avail  the pain didn’t subside. It got really worse. I had no choice but turn off the lights to take a rest but still the pain was really intense. I was crying so loud. I couldn’t take it anymore. So I got out of my room, knocked my parents’ door and told them what was happening. My parents tried to calm me but it didn’t help. I was shouting in the middle of 4 am-ish. “Pa, dalhin niyo na ako sa hospital. Please!” My parents prepared right away. My father had to carry me because I couldn’t walk anymore. While waiting for them, I talked to God and said, “Lord, please. Wag naman po appendicitis ito. Please, Lord…” Suddenly, my vision became blurry. It was getting darker and darker.  I knew I was going to lose consciousness but I fought that aura.

Fast forward to the emergency room.

Regular emergency procedures were performed. It wasn’t appendicitis because I didn’t have other symptoms of appendicitis. It was, again, related to my endometriosis. The resident doctors called my Ob-Gyne to inform her what happened. After a couple of hours, she came and was surprised to see me again in that room because we were expecting to see each other in her clinic and not in an emergency room this month. She asked me to undergo an ultrasound just to check my ovaries and my uterus. She told me, “I hope this is nothing serious.”

Fast forward to the Ultrasound Room.

The pain lessened. Thank God but I felt a sudden pain on my shoulders. I thought it was just because of how I was positioned during my ultrasound (pelvic area is elevated to be able to have a clearer view of the insides of the reproductive system). I couldn’t understand what they were trying to talk about while checking my ovaries but I heard there were cysts, blood clots, series CBC and this term called, “hemorrhagic corpus luteum.” I got really scared upon hearing the word hemorrhagic because it means there’s a bleeding. My doctor decided to admit me to the hospital then. My doctor asked the other doctor who did the ultrasound to have another review of my ovaries. So I was sent to the delivery room first for observation if there’s any progression of pain before another ultrasound.

When I was sent to the delivery room, I was asked to change my clothes into an operating/delivery room gown. I asked the nurse why I was there in the delivery room and what was going on. I was really inquisitive because I wanted to know what was happening. The pain on my abdomen lessened but the pain on my shoulders was still there that I decided to report it to the the residents on duty.

An IV line was inserted to my vein (Ohmy, it was so painful.) so that they could administer the medicines directly to my blood. Antibiotics here and there, interview every now and then, geez… I was getting impatient. I wanted to go out from that room and just take a rest at home since the pain was already subsiding.

After a few hours, I was sent back to the ultrasound room. When the doctor’s assistant positioned me, my shoulders became verryyyy painful that I have to remove the pillow that she put below my pelvic area. I told her that I couldn’t breath. She told me to relax first and we’ll do  it again. But my shoulder pain was getting worse and worse. The resident who was with me asked me what was I feeling because she noticed that I keep moving my shoulders. When the doctor came in, they positioned me again and I started to cry out loud. It was so painful. I was shouting because of pain. It was really embarrassing to the other patients inside that room but what can I do, I couldn’t tolerate it. The doctor did an abdominal ultrasound instead but it didn’t give a clear view although the hemorrhagic corpus luteum was mentioned again. She advised the resident to call my doctor immediately and that she should decide on what to do with me right then and there. I was crying when they sent me back to the delivery room. I just sat on my bed and cried. Then I heard that my second CBC result came out. I heard there were changes in my hemoglobin but I couldn’t understand because I was so scared. Then suddenly someone shouted, “Prepare for OR!” Omg. I didn’t know if I was the patient they referring to.  I was just quiet, crying and praying.

After thirty minutes, my doctor came in and talked to me. She told me the bad news.  My ovarian cysts ruptured and the reason why I have shoulder pain is because I have an internal bleeding that needs to be attended immediately. The blood from my cysts already scattered and there were already blood clots in my abdomen. My hemoglobin was decreasing and if they didn’t perform surgery right away, I could have lost a lot of blood. I cried to my doctor and told her that I will be undergoing my hospital training next month and that I have a lot of things to do for school. She calmed me and explained that my health is more important. That this is really serious. I asked her if my parents already knew about it but she told me that she haven’t talked to them yet.

After 30 minutes of my preparation for the surgery and before I was sent to the operating room, I was able to talk to my mom. I saw her crying. She told me to fight and to pray. Because I am a crybaby, I couldn’t help but cry. I tried not to look at my mom because I know how worried she was. It was like a dramatic scene in a telenovela. “Kayo na bahala sa anak ko ha,” my mom told the nurses and the doctors while crying.

At the operating room, when I was transferred to the OR table, I kept on moving. My shoulders were really painful. The reason why it was painful because of positioning because of the scattered bleeding. I forgot the technical term but that’s how  I understood it. The anesthesiologist asked my name but he kept on saying SONIA. The last thing I remember is telling him that Xyla is my name and not Sonia.

At the recovery room

I woke up with painful abdomen. I tried to touch it and once again, I felt that thick bandage. Just so you know, this is not my first operation. This is my second surgery regarding my ovarian cysts. The nurse, who was apparently my classmate back in college, asked me how I was feeling. I was so groggy that time and all I can remember is that they gave me 3 shots of pain reliever. And oh, I tried to move my legs and toes but it didn’t because the anesthesia’s effect had not subsided then. My entry about my first operation is just quite the same. It’s just that this time, I also underwent blood transfusion.

After ____ hours, I was transferred to my room.  I saw my mom outside the room and I was surprised to see my boyfriend. Finally, I felt safe with my loved ones. Because seriously, when I was in the delivery room, I felt alone because relatives or companions weren’t allowed to enter that room. Even though nurses and doctors were there, I still wanted my parents to be with me in such situation.

I wouldn’t be narrating everything that happened after my operation. What I want to write now is how I felt about the whole thing. Seriously, I am still in disbelief that this happened again. Yes, I was told before that endometrial cysts are recurrent. They may go back anytime. I knew that I did nothing wrong and I asked God what have I done to undergo such circumstances. Yes, I really questioned God. I felt that it’s wrong to question Him but I really don’t know why this have to happen. Undergoing an operation is really traumatic. I had a hard time dealing with it the first time, why do I have to suffer again. But then again I know God has better plans for me. I know that He knows what is best for me. Maybe he thinks I am really that strong and He knows that I could handle this well. It just makes me sad that I wouldn’t be able to join the next batch of trainees this January. My doctor told me to postpone my hospital training because I need at least one and a half month of rest and healing.

Yes, we spent our Christmas eve at the hospital. And although we weren’t able to eat noche buena at home, I still feel happy. I remember I told my boyfriend last Monday that I really wish he could spend his Christmas eve with my family. And yes, it did happen. My siblings, grandmother, parents, boyfriend and our helpers were there yesterday. We ate noche buena at an earlier time at my hospital room just to be able to celebrate Christmas together. Although I was really envious of the foods they were eating (I only ate arroz caldo), I still felt happy that my family is complete, and that my boyfriend is with me and my family. I was able to see the brighter side of things after all.

I am not sure if I can call this my second life because I encountered near-death experiences before but I thank God for giving me another chance to live. My doctor told me that I lost a lot of blood that they had to transfuse blood. If my parents weren’t able to rush me to the hospital immediately, there’s no Xyla anymore. I wouldn’t be writing this anymore. I really couldn’t believe that I almost died. I was so happy with my boyfriend on our 2nd anniversary before that happened. I am really curious what message does God want to relay… But like what I said, the things I should do now are to accept and to trust God’s plans.

2009 is a year that’s full of challenges. I will end this year with a fresh wound but I know… I will start 2010 with a healing wound, literally and figuratively speaking.

Cash o Bigas. Bigas o Cash.

This is the Christmas outreach project of our parish church. They will be giving away 4 kilos of rice after Christmas for each unfortunate family near our area. They are accepting bags of rice or cash and those bags of rice are put in this thing called, “Kariton ng Buhay” that will be used for distributing the rice.¹

I feel fulfilled this Christmas season because our family was able to join this project. My parents bought not only a bag, but a sack of rice this morning. That’s a total of 50 kilos. When my dad asked who wants to go with him to the church, I immediately volunteered because I want to do it myself to talk to whoever in the parish church. I was really hoping that I would be able to talk to a priest but since it is a Sunday, only a personnel in the office was there.

I went home really happy with what I and my family have done for this day, for this Christmas season. I hope others would participate as well. This happiness of helping others is an ultimate feeling that can never be exchanged by any priced material. Christmas season has always been about giving and not receiving. I hope that we don’t only do this during this season but also for the whole year, if ever we are given a chance to do something for others.

How about you? What good deed have you done for this Christmas?

1. This was probably influenced by the CNN Hero of the Year, Efren Penaflorida [↩]

Simbang Gabi

As much as I want to concentrate during the mass, I always get to sit beside some distracting people.

1st day: none at all but it was really hot where I sat
2nd day: teenage kids talking and laughing while the mass was going on and a mother who breast feeds her child with her breasts exposed
3rd day: college couple who are cuddling each other, the girl keeps on biting the guy’s shoulder
4th day: Apparently, this college couple were lectors and readers
5th day: Married couple around 40 to 50-ish who talks and chats so loud even during the homily and they really sing out of tune

Please hearing the mass is different from attending a mass. Please be true to your intentions. And please, respect God if you can not respect the people around you who are trying to reflect this Christmas season.

I am really thinking about sitting beside the nuns in the next 4 days!

Blame stupidity for my hiatus.

I did something stupid that’s why this site was gone for two weeks. I thank God for giving me the hint.

Anyway, my second semester has already started. I’m loving my subjects because they are very useful for my future career. Plus, they are really challenging and it requires hard work, critical thinking and analysis. My brain will definitely be exercised this semester.

On the other hand, I was told that I’m going to start another training (yes, training again) in another hospital. It’s a paid training and it’s a GRADED training because there’s an assurance that they would hire us so we need to excel. I’m really excited about this.

Now, can I handle training + MA classes? Let’s see.